Hey all,
So, it is now the second week of my Winter vacation. Here in France, primary and high schools get four two week-long vacation periods, with very few days off in between. Toussaint, or All Saint's Day holiday is during the last two weeks of October; Christmas vacation (it is, after all, a Catholic country; no surprises here!) is during the last two weeks of December; Winter vacation is the last two weeks of February and Easter break is April 10th to the 26th.
Although I have serious issues with having too much free time, I'm doing my best to appreciate my vacation. Not having money set aside, traveling to another country isn't an option, and I have yet to explore the region. I have picked up some good reading (Freud and Aldous Huxley), and have gotten better about working out.
I have a lot of trouble with the fact that I have trouble having free time. What's more, I find myself with no shoulder to cry on: all my good friends are employed and dream of being in my place, while no one I know struggles to the extent that I do when it comes to drawing satisfaction from free time. Restlessness is the best word I can think of to describe the sensation that builds up in me when a weekend feels a bit too long; a sensation that grows exponentially during these two-week vacations. I attribute my unease with the fact that I don't work enough when I'm not on vacation: I only teach twelve hours a week. Taking classes at the local university and starting to tutor here and there has been a nice outlet to ease the tension that can build up in me. But the problem, for me, is that the problem exists in the first place. Is my happiness and sense of self-worth so closely bound to the regard of another that I can't be satisfied with the pride I draw from my achievements alone? Why do I yearn so for a grade, a pat on the back, a paycheck? Why can't I simply make myself aware of the fact that I am doing something worthwhile, doing it well and take pleasure from that knowledge? But all these questions are better saved for the couch than an open letter.
It is worth mentioning that I am waiting to hear back from universities about acceptance to graduate programs in Literature. Starting my career by submitting an application and waiting four months to hear where life may take me is enough to make anyone anxious, I would imagine. To be honest, the best thing I've done for my own well-being during this time has been to distract myself.
The foodie in me has led to the discovery of a very endearing part of French culture: open-air markets, the papa bears of smaller California farmer's markets. Two large markets, one on Wednesday and the other on Saturday, are a veritable cornucopia of francophile delight: as if the endless stalls of delicious cheese, fresh meat, fruits & veggies galore aren't enough to slate your appetite for culture, take a gander at the wine and cider tables, the crepe stands, baker's booths and flea market fare. My big favorite has been the honey vendors. Offering more varieties than you could imagine, from liquid honey to creamy honey, from fir tree to lavender to acacia to buckwheat honey, this sweet-tooth Heaven can also be the undoing of the indecisive.
I'm looking forward to bringing two good friends of mine to the markets when they come visit me at the end of March; it's been difficult for me to not be able to share my experience with the people I already know and love. As much as I wish I could wrap everyone up in a polka-dotted handkerchief and sling them over my shoulder as I stride the globe, it's simply not possible. The strangest has been not sharing my experience in France with the people that define the country for me; the Californians I met in Bordeaux last year; my high school French teacher; my mom; my French Literature colleagues and professors at UC Santa Cruz. I have no doubt that this sensation is nothing new; I only wonder at how the intimate disconnect of the Internet has changed its fundamental nature.
I may have a four-hour layover in Beijing on my way home this summer. This might surprise those who know me, but I swear it wasn't planned! The fact that my cheapest flight home takes me from a country I love and brings me back home, making a stop in a country I have dreamed of exploring for the past three years, is pure, happy providence.
Ben
4 comments:
Hey Benno,
Vacations can be tough when you don't have specific plans. During college I wandered when possible, and hearing about the farmer's markets, I would suggest you make them a subject for intense documentation. Make it an anthropology project and start listing all the layers with as much detail as possible. How many honey varieties? Who are the people who sell them? What do they look like? How much does it cost? Are there samples and are you able to try them out? How do the products get to the market, and what does it sound and smell like? Are there any characters who stand out; pretty girls, stinky old men, happy sad rude funny people?
When I was in college (and high school) it seemed like I was stuck waiting for something, and at the whim of outside forces. When I realized that I was accumulating an archive of photographs, there didn't seem to be enough time.
You are at the point of building a foundation of memories and experience that you will draw upon throughout your life. You will probably never have this amount of free time, and opportunity to explore, so dive into the local culture, try to meet locals and get their story.
You almost qualify as a local after the time you have spent there, so you have the ability to glance through a door that would never be available to me and others who haven't spent the time there.
Gather as much information as you can and put it in storage as it will be useful when you are a boring old professor in Berkeley (or Indiana God help us!).
Love,
Dad
Your writing is becoming more and more "Metamorphosis"-esque! The feeling that the world ahead of you is a flat desert plain is something I can relate to... but at the same time it could also be a "dessert" plain depending on how you feel about it (See what I did there?) It's in your control.
The reality is that everyone is where you are, free to make those decisions without a true sense of purpose (except for that which we make for ourselves). Having a job doesn't change that, even though some people may feel somehow "validated" by it. Of course, there are some people who will settle in their comfort zone, and there are some who will move on, dissatisfied with the "scenery". There's no right or wrong.
Just don't end up like the guy in The Stranger, galvanized by action by the glint of an Arab's knife. There's no rush. It's a cliche that most of the world's unhappiness comes from comparing yourself to other people, we are after-all, social animals so it's only natural to do so. While much of society rests on those feelings, some great leaders and educators learn to ignore those tendencies to the best of their ability while also being inclusive.
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Hey though, if I can give you a bit of real world musing (as opposed to philosophical musing)... I have a friend in Japan that works at something called an "English Cafe"... Had I learned about it sooner, (if you were feeling entrepreneurial) I would have recommended that you could offer to facilitate casual conversation in English with French people, either for money or for fun. I think it's a great way to utilize a skill we often take for granted and since you're an English teacher already, it probably wouldn't be too far of a stretch... just a matter of opening the pipeline.
Phew, that was a long comment!
Thanks for your comments! The longer the better; I'm just happy to get some feedback!
Dad: is that a homework assignment? I'm definitely taking notes, but I don't think I'll spend my free time starting any anthropological research! The most intense cultural exchange I've been having is lunch in the cafeteria, which I eat with the philosophy/social science teachers. I will never forget the discussions we've shared there, and I have already taken away things that have a very real effect on my life now.
Dan: Really? Kafka? I haven't been reading him recently; that's quite a compliment, however, and I'll take 'em where I can get 'em. I agree with you on the job front, and I thank you for the perspective; I'm not just looking for a filler, I'm looking for purpose. I thought I had found that purpose in my literary studies, but working alone simply doesn't satisfy me the way taking classes does. And yes, there are great prospects for anglophones willing and prepared to teach English here in France: good advice for anyone considering hopping the puddle. And while there are already many businesses already established, there is still enough room for a few more. Had I been really entrepeneurial, I would have committed myself full-time to the job I had last year in Bordeaux, teaching infants English. BabyLangues has been a huge hit, and the family that started it has since moved to Paris, and last I heard they are living quite comfortably. Let's hope none of us need an existential crisis to open our eyes and live, even if we know that ultimately most of us do!
hi ben!
glad you've re-added the sartorialist to your blog - and
hope you're having some fun
now that your students have returned from holiday.
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