Navigating Sentimental Clouds

Hey,

I'm in a funny place right now. It's a state of emotional limbo that lies somewhere in between a realist's heaven and hell. The past few days, I've floated in and out of the conscious realization of the fact that I am living part of my dream: I am in France, speakingsmellingsavoring French. I leave the house in the morning surrounded by amazing architecture that has made a lifelong impression upon my concept of beauty. In all its imperfection (for it wouldn't be perfect if it were flawless), Bordeaux right now is my heaven.

But so is California and everything/everyone associated with it. Which brings me to what I'm going to call hell, for lack of a more neutral term. I'm not going to rattle off a list of the things I miss in California, but lets just say that it transcends the material and slips into a more cultural realm: the mindset of the state, the general approach to life, which differs oh-so-much from what I have been living here in Bordeaux. Like Bordeaux, this heaven will always have its shortcomings, which is part of the reason why I love it so much.

I can't say that I'm okay with this limbo, or that I've made peace with it: it can be exhausting at times, especially right now, when I've got so much to be happy about! I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon for Nantes, a city in the Northwest of France to spend an evening with friends I lost touch with six years ago. I can't put in words the anticipation for this trip; though it's only for a day, I feel like it's a day I spend with my old self, seeing how much or how little I have changed through this wonderful family's eyes; individual closure, if you will.

Friday afternoon, soon after I return to Bordeaux, my friend Julie is paying me a visit from Paris, which should be awesome as well! Hearing jazz, maybe watching a soccer game (I went to one last week! The local team is #1 in France!), seeing a movie, going to the beach, and visiting Montesquieu's chateau are all on the menu. And after such a charged few days, I get to look forward to packing up and shipping off for home! In all honesty, I feel blessed (ugh can't believe I just used that word) to have what I have and be where I am, right now.

I'm going to make this a short post, wrapping it up with what has become a mantra, without the brand names or little TM signs. Be here, now. As easy as it is to get caught up with what has yet to come, I've found it's crucial for me to ground myself firmly in the present, not only for the sake of my own happiness, but practical purposes as well! I look forward to the days that lie in wait, but for now returning to my book and going to bed is just fine with me.

Ben

PS: I've decided to continue this blog through the summer, and perhaps changing the title next Fall to something that has to do with Nantes, where I'll be teaching English. I'll 'tag' posts with "Bordeaux", "Berkeley" and "Bretagne" or something like that so things will be a little more organized.