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12:34a

Hey all,

I just got home from seeing The Visitor, a film that came out in the US about a year ago. I had spent the day working on a presentation I have on Monday and running errands, and it was a little reward to myself for being productive. Rarely do I get this feeling of fulfillment from a movie. It's a strange kind of peacefulness that sets upon you ever so gently, like a great big smile that you're not even aware of.

It is an American film that deals with immigration (post-9/11). Watching it, I couldn't help but think about the beautiful poetry I read by detainees at Guantanamo Bay. The poems moved me to a restless anger and frustration: I wanted to act, but didn't. This future that I have invested so much in, and for which I have so much passion, seemed to hold me back from risking my reputation. It was cowardice.

But this film, though bringing me back to those thoughts, did not leave me with guilt. We all make choices, we all live our lives.

Right now I'm dealing with quite a few unknowns - I know I'm staying here in France for the full academic year, but don't yet know exactly how I'm going to fund it. I know I feel good here in France, but I don't know if I'll stay here after graduating. I know I want to begin to pursue a doctorate, but I don't know where to start. Having been racked with these thoughts for a while now, some more nebulous parts have begun to take form.

But while remaining curious, and dedicated to finding the answers I seek, I'm realizing how important it is for me to come to terms with what I don't know. I live my life struggling to reassure myself, when the only person holding me back from doing so is myself. I'm working towards peace - first within myself, then little by little, work with those close to me.

I spent all day yesterday (I didn't have class, not to worry!) with my friend Paul, a Californian from Riverside. I met him on campus for lunch, and then I took him to St. Michel, the immigrant district in Bordeaux. There is an enormous square with a beautiful old church and a cobblestone courtyard with a basketball hoop. Here is where the flea market is on weekends; here is where you get the best produce in Bordeaux; here is where you can get the best mint tea in town. After his class on French Society (very interesting), we headed out to St Michel. It was about 3:30.

We went with the intentions of talking over tea - I'm pretty passionate about the stuff (mostly green, but mint tea is quickly growing on me). Walking towards the cafe I knew there, Cafe de la Fraternite, a young man approached me asking if I wanted some hash. When I said no, a little surprised, he asked me if I wanted coffee. Even more surprised, I smiled and said, "no, I'm looking for tea". He suggested the cafe next door, as the cafe I knew was closed. After looking around a bit, we settled on the one suggested to us. We sat down and ordered two mint teas.

I liked talking with Paul; it was the first time I had really hung out with him. He's staying for the year, and is renting an apartment not far out of town. I'm trying to start meeting more people here for the year because so many of the Californians I have been hanging out with are leaving at the end of December. I'm trying to get in touch with people in apartments to see what their situation is like; I might not be able to stay with my homestay situation next semester, depending on the demand of the incoming Spring students.

He brought up a Chinese-French author that was recently appointed to the Academie Francaise, Francois Cheng. Continuing to indulge my literary curiosity, we went to Mollat (France's Borders) and I picked up a copy of Le Dit de Tian-yi after two cups of tea across town. I also decided to pick up Aristotle's Poetics since I didn't have a French copy to cite, and it really comes in handy when reading Racine. I saw Aristotle's Ethique a Nicomaque and decided to pick that up, too. I figure I won't be learning ancient Greek anytime soon, and the theory would come in handy. Also picked up a copy of the bible, which I'm reading for a class.

I insisted on getting another cup of tea after and dragged him to a kebab place close to where I live in Gambetta, a yuppie yet surprisingly rough and very beautiful part of Bordeaux. I went home, happy that I had more fun books to read... I'm doing pretty well for my reading in my classes, but still have plenty left to do before the end of the semester. And yet I still make time to read whatever takes my fancy - last weekend, it was Ovide's L'Art d'aimer. This weekend it might be M Cheng, or maybe les contes de Charles Perrault. I could get used to being surrounded by such good stuff! It's like soaking in a bathtub full of warm mud; I can feel the words being absorbed, and with every step I take on these cobbled streets I digest a little bit more, process some of the mud that I have taken in and churn it out like a refined mulch.

I met someone else staying for the year at the DEFLE, where I have my theater class once a week. She's a student from China, Welly, and I'm trying to keep up the little Chinese I've learned in short conversations with her. I've been pretty shy in general and am trying to get myself out to meet French people instead of surrounding myself with the good friends I've made from California. This I see as a start - one step at a time!

Make sure you check out the blogs on my blog list! I check some of them several times a day... more indulgence on my part!

Am going to go get some more tea and do some reading. Hope you all are happy and well.

Ben